All Intimate relationships have their problems, and sometimes it's difficult for others to decide when it's appropriate to intervene. Maybe your friend has mentioned "trouble" at home, and you've dismissed her comments by saying all couples have problems. Ask yourself how you've reacted in the past to these possible signs that your friend is being abused and needs your help.

Have you readily accepted her explanation for visible injuries, such as black eyes, bruises, or broken bones? Do you tend not to press her further about frequent "accidents" that cause her to miss work?

Does her partner exert an unusual amount of control over her activities? Are you reluctant to discuss his control over family finances, the way she dresses, and her contact with friends and family?

If her partner ridicules her publicly, do you and others ignore this behavior or join in the laughter at her expense? Think about why you might not be willing to stand up for her. Do you already sense the volatile nature of his comments?

Have you noticed changes in her or her children's behavior? Does she appear frightened, exhausted, or on edge? Do the children seem to be easily upset? Are they experiencing sudden problems in school or other activities?

Domestic violence - also called spouse abuse, battering, woman abuse, wife beating - is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friend, her children, and the entire community.

Domestic violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking, sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence, and usually escalates in frequency and severity over time.

Any act of domestic violence is something to take seriously. Wife beating results in more injuries that require medical treatment than rape, auto accidents, and muggings combined. Domestic violence can be deadly. Thirty percent of the women murdered in this country are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.

Domestic violence occurs among all ages, races and religions. It happens to people of all educational and income levels.

Your friend is the victim of battering. She is not to blame nor does she ever deserve such treatment. Whatever problems exist in a relationship, the use of violence to resolve them is never justified or acceptable.

For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. A battered woman's emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. If she has been financially dependent on her partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic hardship. She may not know about available resources. Or perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past. Religious, cultural, or family pressures may make her believe it's her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs. When she has tried to leave in the past, her partner may have used violence to stop her.

Your friend is probably doing her best to protect her children from the violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her and does not yet realize its effect on the children. Perhaps she believes that her children need a father or she lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may beg her to stay, not wanting to leave their home or their friends. She fears that if she leaves, she will lose custody of her children.

Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They can be charming and lovable in a social situation yet display extreme violence in the privacy of the home.

Battering is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. The abuser's experience as a child and the messages he gets from society in general tell him that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over his partner's behavior. Men who batter are accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as "sick" wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their behavior.

Although alcohol or drug use may intensify an already existing violent behavior, it does not cause battering. Men who batter typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/ drug use or extreme stress. Battering, however, does not represent a loss of control but a way of achieving it.

Chances are the man is not always abusive. Promising that he will change, he may actually show remorse for his violence. Their relationship probably involves a cycle of good times, bad times, and in-between times. However, the longer the violent relationship continues, the less likely there will be any good times at all.

The abuser senses that the fewer relationships the woman has, the more easily he can control her. He may be extremely jealous of any relationships she has outside the home. A battered woman may distance herself from friends, fearing that they will discover the violence and blame her for it.

Your friend may not yet feel comfortable confiding in others, feeling that they will not understand her situation. Try talking to her about the problem or battering in a general way. For example, you might mention a documentary or talk show about domestic violence that you've seen. Tell her you're concerned about women who must endure physical abuse. Let her know you do not blame battered women for the violence.